Thailand beckons


Hey up all,
Strap on your contraceptives and grease yourself up. Its been a fair few months since Ben's adventures have seen the light of day. This time its a new band of travels and antics from far away. South East Asia is my first port of all, then on to Sunny Australia.
Thailand's bustling streets and sunswept beaches are first. So lets begin with Ben's ladyboys adventures. Welcome my dear readers to...............More naughty tarvels!!!!
Well I got off the plane and after much deliberation and haggling in the sticky heat managed to procure myself the cheapest available taxi to get away from the airport and into the hustle and bustle that can only be an Asian metropolis.
The massive looming buildings cast shadows over the rambling shacks and street vendors ringing bells and wandering in a daze.
The smog was clearly visible on the horizon, as Bangkok grew ever closer.
My destination at first was the one and only backpackers ghetto that is Khaosan Road. Yes the very same one that you saw in the film the beach with that cock Di Caprio. But this real Khaosan road is a warren of cheap shabby gusethouses, packed bars and heaving clubs. Vendors selling everything from roasted criksets to bangles and chang beer vests line the streets. The tuk tuk drivers are mad and call at you every step you make along the tarmac. 'Taxi, taxi', the cabbies will call as if you have some longing to get into one on your face!
So I had managed to safely store my bags in a grotty rooms with a fanthat barefly rotated and then decided to explore. I wandered for hours down massive roads, up side streets in to crowded markets selling fishes and fruits of all sizes, shapes and smells. The strey dogs lined thestreets as I walked. These poor creatures and basicaly ignored by the locals, but I do giggle when a tourist with map in hand goes to pat on and it thenbecomes vicious and snaps at them.
My first evening I went to some bar called Gullivers (Gullivers travels, get it?). At this bar I watched the footy and was annoyed with the amount of Bloody football wearing shirrted Brits. So many of them, I hate footy shirts abroad, as if you have to advertise the fact that you are British and drunk. Yes, I am a footy fan but I bloody hate shirts like that (Especially Chelsea) and how can you wear that nylon in this heat anyway?
While sipping Thai whiskey poured over ice and mixed wiht the strongest red bul known to man, this stuff can power bloody jet planes, I was adopted by a foursome of Antipodean ladies. They approached me and asked straight out, 'Are you an Aussie'? Well even thoigh I am not I was adopted by this group of felow travellers and spent the next two days with them. partying hard, exploring the city, trying to find the bloody Muay Thai (kickboxing arena) and eating lots of traditional foodstuffs like squid, criskets, whiskey, noodles and soemthing that burn my mouth as it was spicier that a Benfal Tigers Bumhole!
The clubs seem to start to stop legally at about 2 am, but the party just moves on into the streets where small beer vendors and set up stalls and bugger off quickly before the local 'tourist poloce' rock up and spoilt the fun.
So the first night went on til soemthing like 5am. By this time my eyes were bloodshot and I was so tired that I looked like a zombie. My shoulders were red from the sun and my vest was sodden through. Bed me thinks!
The second day of my trip was a spectacle of nearly misses. The tuk tuk seemed to aim at you and when I did catch one with the kiwi girls the driver decided to drive like a maniac and do wheelies down the highway. I wasnt encourageing him, honest! OK, well onyl encouraging hima teeny bit!
In the adopted foursome now we explored the markets and the hair braiders stalls (dreadloclks tempt me) and then decided to drink more buckets of this Thai whicket, fortified by a smaller bottle of Thai maekong whiskey which I got in a shop for soemthing like 50p.
It is very cheap out here, but that still means you ahve to wacth your spending, as with all this cheapness you can go over board. I could imaging a little hear and a little there amount to a lot of dept. So I am eating the cheapest street food, walking a few blocks away from the ghetto to get cheaper water and not buying any crap from the stalls and Thailand version of looky looky men.
In the evenings the streets are a hot bed of sex. The prostitutes prowl the streets and come up and grab you while you are drunkely trying to chat up some rather luscious girl from Ireland you ahve just met. They are all the same, looks and dress. You can spot them a mile off, same clothes and that John Wayne walk which they all seem to have. The funnies thing though is all the lady boys which line the streets too. Massive hands and a protruding adams apple give the game up for them. Some are sdo mannish that it is just comical and its funny to see a group of drunken Brits abusing them by singing 'for she's a jolly good fellow' at them. The prostitues are a bloody nightmare,they come up to you and accost you and wven though you say no and walk off tgey will follow. I was talking to two Germans girls who wre too bloody frunpy and this gaggle of prostitues appeared and started badgering me, there was only one thing for it. I pointed behind them and said 'look, my friend', then ran away giggling like a litte girl. Leaving the Frumpy Germans to look startled as the prostitues started to chase me. I ran througha bar up a staircase and then on to the neighbouring street to take a backentrance to my hostel. Safe at last!
I have also been to the Suam Lum night bazarr, where the A mericn tourists in their socks and sandales roam the isiles looking for wives and bargains. My goodness their penetrating voices get on my tits. The Aussies girls laughed at hoe urritated I got with them all.
The next day after a few beers and Thai whiskeys in the eveing I wondered the streets until I had to shelter froma tremdous rainstorm under a shoddy canopy. I stood there and low and behold who else shold decide that this particular spot looks good to shelter in too, yes you haver guessed it another American.
Bolstered by a stomach full of noodles I decided to go to the gradnpalace but ran out of time as the rains were so heavy that they stopped the entire city. So inetad I had to shelter awayfrom yanks in a bar and sipped a smoothie. This is where I met two Germans girls whomlive in Brixton. Small world eh!! I introduced them to the idea of Thai whickey buckets and now I think the hate me as we staggered off looking for more!
The next day its decided to rain again, and Asian rain is much harsher than what us little Brits get. The roads became rivers and the gutters collected all manner of dead things from insects to dogs!
Koh Samui
I write this section from the sunny paradise island of Koh Samui. I met up with Ally, Mike and France in Bangkok and after one drunken night where we watched the Thai version of Ozzie Osbourne spank out a few tunes we decided to head south on the train. But not before we checked out the red light district of Patpong. There we were shown the grotequsue delights of the ping pong show. But this was not any ordinary pinpong show. The ping pong l;ady looked like Nora Batty's love child, she was grotesque beyong memory as the ping pong dribbled out and ran in a snail trail down her legs before plopping into a cup. I was hoping for projectile ping pong action. The bloody hookers wouldnt leave us alone and corwded our table. We soon left after seeing and just laughing at the so un-sexy acts of horn blowing, whistle blowing, candle blowing out, flowers comijg from her love cavern and many more things like that. We just laughed at its crudity and how un-sexy it all was. Then the lady boy spotted Ally and gave him the wink, so we laft sharpish.
The train journey was like nothing I have ever experienced before. This train not only had little bunks that opulled out later at night but we bacem the life and soul and adopted not only the staff but a few random passengers too.
In no time at all, we had the stewards and stewardesses dancing with us in the isiles, we had beere sflowing galore and also the transsexual he-she ladyboy steward(ess) who we called John pleaded with us to coem to the disco carriage.
I kid you not there was a carriage with christmas fairy ligths in them and we as soon as entering became the life and soul. Ebveryone cheered us when we conga danced in and then we took over the sound system and the sex pistols bomed out causing many feet to stomp and a carriage mosh pit.
I have been in worse clubs than that train, we all pissed out of the open doors, abused John the tranny, made the Thai ladies give people massages, drank all the beers and refused to l;eave when they tried to close. Soon ohn was pleading wiht us to go to bed as we had made all the Italians leave by getying them too drunk.
The next morning we rolled into Surabathi which is where we would catch the ferry to Koh Samui island. Jhn gave us a tearful goodbye and came out ont the platform to see us off. It was strange to leave the dog fuilled snore carriage but what an evening it had been. And on a train to boot.
The ferry was uneventful, basically boring.We arrived in the piort and the heat was tremdous, I was soon red from the sun in my vest and we ended up in the worst bus ever. This ittle bus took us all roudn the island looking for accommodation, it was like a bloody go kart, disregard for red lights, traffic coming straight at it or speed humps. How funny was it as we all shouted at 'John' the driver to slow down. We cal everyone John by the way!!!
Sunday
Today was my last full day on Koh Samui, tomorrow we all embark on he catamaran accross the sea to the sister island, the hedonistic birthplace of the full moon party, none other than Koh Phan nang. The full moon party for those of you nopt in the know is the world largest rave. It has been happening every full moon since the 70's when people followed the hippy trail.
BVut before that let me update you on my adventures of late. Since I wrote all the above I have rode elephants, swam in the sea, been drunken all nigth morning and day, seena muay thai fight and swam in beautiful waterfalls.
Today I went on the island safari and went all over, I did it all on my lonesome as I was the only one o get up as we were partying with all these lovely Irish girls til 6am. We ended up in a pool in some club, well I say club, it was a bar thing. The nigth life is amaizing nand many a time we stagger in at 7 in the morning. Therefore the others didnt get up and I was the only one to go on the safari.
I all o my lonelsome befriended two irish (uIrish again) girls and we had a blast as we went elephant trekking throghthe jungle, then went out to an island called Koh Toh and swam in the brillant blue sea and snorkelled thjrough theses amaizing fish and reefs.
We have also been to the muay thai boxing, which is hard hard and brutal. But we left nursing a headache as it so so loud with all this jusic playing and drums banging. Even the warm up fights with the little kids were mental.
Wel;l I have written far far far too much and now it is time for me to bid you adue.
Til next time my freiends and lovers
Ben
xxx