The Hills are on Acid!!

Bonjour mon petit!
The hills are on acid indeed, or at least steriods, the New Zealand scenery is soemthing else indeed!
The rain hammered down in Melbounre, the capital of Victoria. Why couldnt the rain have stayed in South Australia. But oh no it stalks you like a scorned lover accross borders and boundaries.
I had arived in Melbourne for one night before I departed to the birth place of the bungy jump. New Zealand. I was excited and couldnt wait to get there.
But before hand I had some time to kill in Melbourne. I wil come back here in June from New Zealand, so will do the Great Ocean road then or even go and try to lick Harold Bishop's face!!!!
So what do you do in Melbourne when its raining and you forget your camera? Yes you have guessed it, you walk to the Oympic park across the bridge with loud speakers and bizarre singing on it to the MCG. For those who are not in the know, the MCG stands for the Melbourne Cricket ground. This is the home of the 1956 Olympics and also where Don Bradman hit many centuries and battered the opposition like Geoffrey Boycott used to batter his wife!
Then it was time...........
New Zealand, wow what a place. Its like England, but I hate to say it, its like England but, well better! Oh yes this place is a home from home and to come here you basically fall head over heels in love with the majestic beauty which is the scenery and the Fiords and the mountains and most of all the fantastic opportunities you have to see it all.
I cant actually tell you in any fitting words just how beautiful this place is. Its rugged in parts, scenic in others, dangerously ferociouis in areas and hedonistic everywhere. The possibilities to do all sorts of mental things here are abundant. For example bungy jumping, oh sod me sideways how high the big boy is. I did one many years ago and this one is about 7 times higher. Wow, I will do that when I get back round from my Kiwi experience to Queenstwon.
Ok then let me give you the New Zealand run down about what I have done here.
I landed in Christchurch, the provincial capital of Canterbury where the rugby clobber comes from. I landed just too late to be able to go and see the Crusaders play. Damn it. I wanted to see the horse men gallop on to the pitch before kick off. So I missed that and then found my way into Christchurch and at a hostel. The next day I met up with soemone whom I had met in Thailand and then we proceeded to get very drunk at a house party which I had been invited to because I was the token Brit.
I got very drunk indeed that day on straight gin that the next morning I suffered badly. But hey, thats travelling for you!
Now in the cold It was time for me to sample the delights of what New Zealand has to offer. My first posrt of call was the student town of Dunedin, which in gaelic or Celtic means Edinburgh. The town even has kilt shops and is bloody freezing as it gets all the arctic winds! Its odd to see your breath after so long ina hot country. I spent a few days there and we even wona pub quiz and the grand sum of $50 kiwi dollars. Thats about 15 quid. Oh the big spenders eh!
After Dunedin I went to the scenic lakeside town of Te Anau. From there I joined the Kiwi experience green bus and headed for the day to Milford Sound. Which is not a sound at all and is actually a Fjord. A fjord is formed by moving glaciers and a sound is formed by rivers. But ther Welsh man who maned it didnt know the difference, silly sod!
Milford sound is beautifully wonderfuil. The sound (fjord) itself is massive and an adundance of watefalls run into the sea. It had rained the previous day so there were waterfalls all over the place and the water was so pure that the boat I was on going downthe sound could nudge up tot he waterfall and you could drink the water that you caught in a cup, beautifully clear and refreshing. The day was a great trip as we saw mirror lakes where the mountaisn are reflected perfectly in the lakes hense the mirror images seen in postcards.
After Milford sound I went to th hedonistic capital of the world. Queenstown. This is the birthplace of the Bungy jump back in 1989. So the town is lively and buzzing and an adrenaline filled haven. The people I met on the kiwiw bus at Milford and I went out on a massive bender and I really have no recollection of what happened but I know we were doing shots out of teapots in the world bar and also I was up for dancing which I never really am. We also maganed to steal a red bonnett and then had a 6 am ferg burger. Oh how lovely are they!!!!!
Now it was time for the fun to really begin. For I joined the Kiwi experience bus and I was off to circumnavigate the south island of New Zealand.
KIWI EXPERIENCE
After Queenstown and one night in Christchurch we headed to the little town of Kaikoura. A small little town ionly famous for its Fur Seals which climb on the road and cause traffic to stop and whale watching. So whale watching it was. Oh what a bloody waste of money that was. Bloody ridiclous. We hammered it along the sea after watching a properganda video of dolphins being slutty and showing off and whales breaching. But did we see anything, not really no. We did see an inquisitive seal which bobbed around us as people chucked over the sides in the rough weather. BUt thats all. Well not quite. We did see the tail of a sperm whale pop out of the water and then dive. But that was all. Shite, really shite!!!!!
But Kaikoura baceme a great night out and a good evening of fun later on. I was walking back with a bag full of shopping to the hostel up a hill and this girl came hurtling down the hill being pulled by some large pitbull like dog on a lead, shouting help. So Capitan Bengy lept to the rescue to save the girl before she fell on fher face and was dragged down the hill. I am now a hero!!!!!
Later on the very same girl and I were in the same quiz team for the local pub quiz at the only bar in town. Along wioth two other girls we called our team Six tit and a winkle and we stormed the quiz. We won $100 bar tab and won the quiz with two rounds to spare. How cool was that. We had a great night and the locals were the freakyest bunch of people you will ever see. For example one looked a dead ringer for Jimmy Saville, he was even in a tracksuit but this was new zealand so it was a canterbury rugby tracksuit. Then there was the scary beareded man with tattoos on his hands and last but not leats was the legendary Beau. Thai man with a fantastic moustache was a cheese maker and possibly the dumbest man alive. The locals who were no real bright sparks themselves were offering his around the teams who needed a 4th person. A team of lades from our bus took up the offer and some of the snawers he came up with were f%*king ridiculous. For example one question was 'Who wrote Winnie the Pooh'. He answered this question with the shouted answer of 'That c*#t that went under'! I dont quite know what that means but he answered the question of what wa Bill Clinton's middle name with the response of 'North or souht clinton'!!!! Dumbest man alive, needl;ess to say we abused him all night and posed for fantastic pictures with him!
My next stop would be for 3 nights in Nelson and the Abel Tasman national park. So I said goodbye to all the others from my bus as I would be joining another bus aftre my trek in the park.
I spent two whole days in the beautiful park with its hill,s fantastic lagoons, pools, waterfalls and forest. The first day we kayaked 15 km's up the costline in sea kayaks all the way past seal island to a place called bark bay. Where we camped over in some freezing cold hut and made a massive man fire at night and then got lost inthe woods trying to find the beach. The next day through the hillsna d coatsl paths hiked about 20km's back to Kaiteriteri to get the bus back to Nelson. Nelson coincidently is the centre point for New Zealand and is called the sunshine city. It was still bloody cold though! The hut we stayed in looked like a set froma prisoner of war movie, the funny thing was that we shared it with Ze Germans!!
Back at Nelson I jumped on the bus and this kiwi bus would be the one I would be on all the way round to Queesntown where we would all get smahed and have a big party!
There were loads of us, two whole buses so we had competitions between the buses. Many of these involved random nudity and dare stunts like when we wall went to Nelson lakes and each bus had to out do each other by getting people ffrom their buses to jump into the freezing water. The water was so cold taht it took ages for my willy to get back to normal size! Needless to say my winkle retracted as soon as I plunged into the icy waters, but we won so all was cool!! Everyone was now getting to know each iother and we could remember first names and were having a great laugh. So we headed to the tiny town of westport and there I almost killed one of our group, what an introduction. A few of us went horse riding as as the instructors saw that I knew what I was doing I went off to gallop along the Buller river with one of the ladies in charge. We were racing in the twilignts along a path whoch split into two. I tried to take the left path to overtake her when the two paths joined later on. But as I came round a corner I came face to face with a speeding quadbuike with one of the younger lads on our bus riding it. Somehow I magade to stear my horse around hima nd stop myself from being thrown but the lad was trembling and looked like he needed a shot or two. I wa congratulated on controlling the beast and continued to gallp. We later all giggled about that in the evening. The evniong came and we watched the FA cup final which kicked off at 2 am. Bloody extra time I had to be up early to go jet boating.
Jetboating was bloody great though. I got soaked and freezing and we hammered along the river narrowly avoiding rocks and spinning on the spot. I highly reccommend it!
The next stop could be an email all by itslef. We went to Lake Maninuapua. Wow what a place. There nothing there apart from lots of greenstone jade and the lake and a river. But its home to the Poo pub. A legandary place run by 83 years old bearded scarcastic sod Les. This place for 12 years has been a regular stop on the kiwiw experience for all buses that pass throug. The reason why. We have a private fancty drwess party. The entire wals of the bar are covered in polaroid pictures of all the fancy dress party over the last 12 years and all of them at some point have soemones genitals in the shot! The place is a dump but a delightful one. Our theme as we raided the $2 shop and supermarket in the nearer town of Greymouth was anything beginning with the first letter of your name. I drew up a massive list of B's. Such as:barbarian, Braveheart, bandit, Botswanan tribesman. But in the end I went as a baby, complete with man nappy, dummy, bonett, massive bottle filled with beer and pink duck teddy. But I was quite dissapointed not to win the prize for best dressed, which was a free canyon swing. Instead a Danish guy dressed as flash won it.
The night was bloody legendary and only 4 people out of the 60 odd on the two buses didnt make an effort. We had soem quality costumes on display. Flamibngies, Nuns, two Jesus', periest, cowboys, robbers, superheroes, straighjackets, gladiators, drag queens and many more were packed into this bar. We all got very drunk needless to say and fun was had by all. But going to the toilet in a man nappy isd a funny old routine and many people were taking pictures of me doing so! The voyeurs!!!
The next morning the bus was silwent as every movement made them goran. No wonder so many fry ups were consumed at this cafe/museum that we stopped at. Thsi odd bushman centre even showed a video where men jumped from helicopters to caputure dear to the top gun theme tune. I have never seen anything so homoerotic in all my life,the short shorts and welly combos were soemthing else!
Now the kiwi experience wouldnt be the same if you had a shitty driver. Luckily ours is the nuts and every bridge you get too we have to stop so we can either jump off it or laught when soemone jumps in and a dead sheep floats by! Ours encourages us to be extreme and so far our bus is the extreme bus. We even won a loads of free shots by mooning some restaurant where they take pictures of all the kiwi buses that go by! But to get even more free shots I had to do soem full frontal niduity. So a mini streak ensued with a sock Chilli peppers style over my old man!
Franz Josef Glacier
We rocked up to Franz Josef galcier, named aftre some old prince from Austraia and named because the flowing glacier looks like the old codgers beard!
I did the entire day hike up the icy mammoth and was kitted out in cold weather gear. I had everything from a big manly ice pick, crampons on my feet (no not tampons), special ice boots which leaked and water proofs. I spent the day clambering up ice stepa cut out by massive ice axes and skidding around on the top. It took hours to get up tot he point where we coyuld and the shear size of it is massive. In the distance the galcier looks rather small, but the shear scale unfolds as you approach. By the time I got back my feet were icicles and I was soaking from crawling along little ice tunnels! But the best bit was some odd beardy man who was pullingthe best poses on the ice, go baby go!
That evening in Franz josef we wera ll very drunken and aftetr playing killer pool in the bar moved on to a bar whch bosated the worlds worst shot. The shot was free and they discouraged you from drinking it. Well guess what I did. Bloody nora! I was on fire for 45 minutes, it was like a vindaloo on speed. I was sweating and the next day I had a few botty explosions, serves me right I can hear you cry!
From Franz Josef we moved on to Wanaka and there we went to the boring puzzling worl and also watched the cheating handball Italians win the champions league at 6am.
But onwards we went. Thsi time via more bridge jumps to Queens town. The hedonistic adrenaline junkie capital of the world.
Our first nigth was messy. We were all out til about 6am and with no sleep and too much booze the next day we were all zombies.
But we did bbeat the Altitue bar record for Jegierbombs consumed and we had a long domino line of jager bombs going off, it was a sight to behold.
When we rockedup in Queesntown we hadthe team photo by the lake and also for those who were keen a naked team photo. Of course I can be seen with my white arse out ina silyl hat in the photo. Well you ahve to dont you, but I was very dissapointed taht the girls didnt join us for the shot, they all stayed in the bus as it was beginning to rain, wimps!
So with a night on the last and many stories and rumours the nest day what shudl we all do. Yes you ahve guessed it go to the birthplace of bungy jumping. The Kawarau bridge, the origional place they tested it after seeing the Vanuatuans jump with vines in the pacific.
I didnt do the bridge as I wanted the ultimate rush. I booked Nevis the higgest permanent bungy jump in the world, a freefall of 8.5 seconds. 134 meters suspecnded in a canyon.
Before I did the bungy we all did the luge down the hills of Queenstown. They are so bloody fun. You get a cable car gondola up the mountain pastt he ledge bungy where you can run and jump off and then you have these cravity powered go karts and race down the hill. Our race was messy and at one point I was rammed from behind and went flying over the safety rail and landed in an ornamental rockery resulting ina cut leg and a slight limp for a few hours! There was a massive group of us and we all bundled downt he track jostling for first place and punching each other as we sped past.
The next day which was yesterday was the day of the jump. About 20 of us were doing it togheter and I was bricking it. I am not the best with heights. But I did it. We were bussed out to the ravine and were weighed up. I was 73 kilos so was 8th or 9th overall to go. I had to wait and wait btu then came my turn and my trembling hands suddenyl stopped when I was sitting in the chair getting strapped up. I didnt go alone though. I jumped with the pink cuddly duck from my baby fancy dress costume, also one of the welsh girls did the same as she needed some normal suport. As soon as I was strapped in all my fears went. I was calm and lept. Wow wahata rush as I hurtled down the wind hammereing my ears. On the second bounce you can release you feet and you go into a sitting position. It was a truly exilerating experience and I was bloody loving it. I have never been so hyper afterwards I must ahve been murder. I couldnt stop giggling and smiling. The best bit too was I kept hold of the duck and didnt let him go!!!!!!!! I was contimplating releasing him into the wild!
So after allthe adrenaline from the bungy you can imagine that last nigts piss up was very hyperactive. My goodness did I put some drink away. My poor liver, detox when I get home me thinks!
Well taht was yesterday and today is my washing day and playing mini golf with the crazy Danes, many have gone to Milford sound but I have already done that so am resting up todaya nd re-charging my worn down batteries. Tonight I am off to see pitrates of the carribeana nd we are dressing up. Aaaaarrrrggghhh me hearties.
Well thats all for now. I will bugger off and enjoy myself while you lot go to work and read this and think to yourself 'doesnt Ben bloody waffle on'.
Take care all
I am home in under 30 days now, its gone too quickly.
Love to all
peace and bungy
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